Connections

The root of what I'm longing for right now is intimacy, connectedness with my husband. Circumstances over the past two years have subtly eroded this, gently but firmly unfurled us from each other, opened up a space between us which became more difficult to make the effort to span, when there was no time & we were both exhausted. But it's closing again, with a touch, a look, with laughter.

The bane of my life one term of English in my last year of school was E M Forster. I remember struggling through an essay entitled "Explore the theme 'Only connect' in the novels of Forster," which for me, whose ideal vocation was to become a hermit, seemed nonsensical. Why connect? I had a boyfriend, but had been taught by certain members of my family that relationships were draining. I had poor boundaries, or perhaps it's better to say that certain people had not recognised or respected my boundaries & I'd been too young to reinforce them. I had concluded that the best way of dealing with this in later years was to maintain distance from others, except the ones I loved. I loved humanity as a whole, but disliked people, or rather disliked their potential to invade my space. I remember sitting in church, praying that one day I would be able to love 'people' every last one of them. It felt like an affliction from which I was praying to be released. Meanwhile, I continued in my serial monogamy & although I had a group of friends I'd known since age eight, I didn't really feel close to any of them.

I met a fellow Cynic at uni, but whilst we were united in our mutual distance from others, he especially took pleasure in belittling them. I realised that my friend's attitude was deeply unattractive. He has since gone into teaching, has had few significant relationships & his views haven't changed. Mine were forced to change when I had children. Children expect you to connect, look for attachment, crave love & I had to provide those things. My heart melted then & lost it's hardness. Now, I believe Forster was right...'Only connect'...with integrity, compassion & love.

I live out in the country now & if I chose, I could live the life of a hermit, but I don't. I can enjoy company other than my own, not be completely self-contained, give a little or a lot. I've also learned to love people & not view them as a threat from which I have to be protected. I may still dislike some people I meet, but I can make a connection with them. I'm comfortable now.